Thinking Out Loud

I truly feel paralyzed when my thoughts are unable to meet with spoken words. I do not feel as though I have a fear of speaking and it is surely not a matter of being shy. In fact, I envy people whose biggest problem is mumbling their speech or shuddering to get through a sentence. I wish my biggest problem was being shy, however, I lack the ability to find words altogether. It’s like I have an immense flow of thoughts and ideas that stream through my head all day long and then when I am finally presented with a chance to speak, my thought process completely shuts down. I am quite confident in the work I produce at school and enjoy any written assignments as I find them relaxing and almost therapeutic. My problem isn’t that my mind is always blank but rather seems to be intensively on overdrive and is constantly generating thoughts whether I’m consciously thinking or not. My mind feels so overwhelmed that I find it hard to channel all of these ideas towards verbal communication. When thoughts develop in my head they are generated at such at a deep level that it is impossible to capture it in a verbal sentence. When I am trying to speak it is very clear what I am trying to say in my mind, however it is as if my response cannot be communicated by speech. The way my brain signals ideas to me does not seem to fit a verbal setting as these thoughts tend to reside deep in my mind. It is exhausting because I am constantly thinking throughout the day and when it comes to speaking I literally can’t even get a word out. If I am asked to write about a subject matter, I feel strongly opinionated and could ramble on about the topic forever. When I was younger I had selective mutism, however, was extremely creative with assignments in school. I think I am still deeply impacted from my anxiety in the past and want nothing more than to move on from this issue as it affects the way I do everything in life (interviews, work, college, etc.). Although I am extremely introverted, I feel upset by my situation, as I cannot adequately socialize with my peers. I often feel left out at school, events, and work, as I am not capable of conversating and delivering a free flow of speech. It is somewhat overwhelming for me because I am missing a component of my life that should allow me to drain the energy I have by communicating with my peers. I feel like I have no outlet for this energy and it just keeps building up which makes me feel lonely and depressed.

Does anyone else feel like this and if so are there any tips or feedback you would like to share with me?